


I Need You To (Too)

by IBoatedHere



Category: Turn (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Confessions, Flashbacks, M/M, injured Ben
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-02
Updated: 2016-01-02
Packaged: 2018-05-11 05:29:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5615653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IBoatedHere/pseuds/IBoatedHere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben's injured during a battle. Caleb asks a lot of him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Need You To (Too)

“I need you to look at me, Ben; I need you to look at me.”

Caleb’s frantic and kneeling on the frozen ground with his fingers clutching desperately at the sides of Ben’s face as he’s begging him to open his eyes. 

It happened so fast. 

One second Ben was on his horse with his sword raised and ready to fight and then there was a loud crack and Ben was on the ground with blood staining his shirt.

He’s not moving, not writhing in pain and clutching at the wound or trying to get back on his feet, pushing Caleb out of his way as he tries to help him to his feet and reaching for his gun so he can get back in on the action and pretending like the bullet hole is merely a paper cut. 

Caleb was off his horse and next to him in an instant. There’s a rock beneath Ben’s head and Caleb runs his hands from the nape of Ben’s neck to his chest and back again and he’s still not moving. He calls his name until his voice is hoarse and he’s pulled away from Ben as he’s picked up and brought back to a medical tent. Someone tries to pull Caleb back to the fight but he’s is determined not to lose sight of his friend and no one is stupid enough to try to stop him. 

Inside the tent men are wailing and screaming in pain and for once Caleb is thankful for Ben’s silence but then the doctor presses his fingers to Ben’s jaw line and wrist; his hand flutters over his chest above his heart, frowning the whole time. Caleb watches as Ben’s chest rises and falls. 

“He’s alive,” Caleb says anxiously wringing his hands together and shifting his weight back and forth from foot to foot. 

“He’s breathing.” The doctor cradles his head. Someone calls for him from across the tent.

“He hit his head on a rock.”

“Shot as well,” The doctor murmurs and cuts away at the cloth around the wound. 

“Why isn’t he talking?” He looks briefly around at the horror in the tent before his eyes fly back to Ben. “Shouldn’t he be awake?”

“Yes,” The doctor frowns and then a nurse calls for him from across the tent. “Put pressure on his shoulder. I’ll be back.”

“Wait,” but the doctor is already across the tent and Caleb is left with his hand presses against Ben’s arm thinking _‘how could you leave him like this? Don’t you know who he is? Don’t you know what he’s done? What he will do? He’s going to win this war and you’ve left him here. Don’t you know what he means to me? Don’t you know what will happen if I don’t get him back? This is my major. This is my best friend. My reason for fighting. You can’t leave him like this.’_

Ben’s rank affords him his own tent. Ben’s condition means that the doctor has more important and pressing patients to see. After he digs the bullet out, stitches him up, and wraps a bandage around it (the pain of it all should’ve brought him around but it doesn’t) he tells Caleb to come find him if he should happen to wake up and leaves. 

Caleb is lost. 

Ben is so still. He has to stare at his chest to see it move, it’s the only way he knows for sure that he’s still alive. 

“Ben,” Caleb says just to fill the silence. His name and the sound of his footsteps against the soil seem to echo off the walls of the tent. “I need you to listen to me. I need you to wake up.” 

\-------------------------------------------------------

“I need you to calm down.”

It’s one of the dumbest things Caleb has ever said and he knows it as soon as it’s out of his mouth. This is not the time for Ben to calm down.

His mother _just_ died. 

_;Just._

Not even an hour ago and Ben, who has _just_ turned thirteen, has emotions that are too big for his new gangly body (all arms and legs and awkward and beautiful is what Caleb would tell anyone if they asked him but nobody has) can’t contain. 

“You want me to calm down?”

“I want,” Caleb doesn’t get the rest of his thought out (which is just as well- he doesn’t actually have more to say) because he has to dodge a mug that Ben has hurled across the room at him. It shatters against the cabinets a few feet from his head and falls in a dozen and a half pieces at his feet. He mentally puts the pieces back together and recognizes it as Susannah Tallmadge’s favorite. Every time Caleb came bounding through the Tallmadge’s door early Sunday mornings so he could walk to church with Ben Susannah would be holding it, taking sips and smiling as they chased each other around the kitchen table. He’s fairly certain Ben made it for her. The edges always looked slightly uneven and there was a distinct thumb print visible on the handle that would’ve been smoothed away by a professional hand. If he were to sort through the wreckage he’s find a shard with B.T. scratched into it. 

Ben’s probably going to regret smashing it.

He looks up at Ben who’s looking down at the mug. Maybe he’s already regretting it. Maybe he already regrets throwing it that close to him. 

“What am I supposed to do now? How am I supposed to calm down?” Ben’s yelling at Caleb doesn’t have any answers for him. Ben was closest to his mother, Samuel to his father. “You have no idea what I’m going through. You have no idea how to make this better, to calm me down. How am I supposed to calm down when she’s…?” Ben advances on him fast and Caleb and he’s never been afraid of Ben (all awkward and beautiful and a better shot with a rifle than men twice his age but never gloats or even enjoys it) but he takes a step back until he’s right against the counter top with both hands braced back against it because there’s no way he’s going to fight back. If Ben wants to hit him that’s fine. It’ll be temporary pain for a moment of relief for Ben and he thinks that’s a fair trade. 

Ben’s hand comes up and Caleb flinches then flinches again because he got Abe for that the other day. _“Ya flinched,”_ Caleb shouted then socked him right in the shoulder. He would’ve felt bad about it but Abe got him back just as good. 

Ben’s hand comes down, soft and gentle; landing on Caleb’s hip then curling around his back so he can pull him towards him, pressing his body flush against his. 

“She’s gone, Caleb.”

“I know.”

“I don’t know what to do.”

“Neither do I,” He says because he’s just thirteen himself and even though he’s dealt with death in his own life he has no idea how to deal with his best friend falling apart like this. 

“What do I do?” Ben has turned his head so his cheek is against Caleb’s shoulder and his breath is hot on his neck. “What do I do?”

Caleb tightens his hold and turns his head so his lips brush against Ben’s forehead when he speaks. 

“Just calm down.”

\------------------------------------------

The doctor doesn’t say anything as he gently bumps Caleb out of the way to check on Ben. He also doesn’t say anything when Caleb doesn’t let go of Ben’s hand. 

“He hasn’t woken up?” He asks Caleb.

“If he had I would’ve called for you,” Caleb says tightly and the doctor purses his lips, claps a hand on Caleb’s shoulder and walks out. Caleb feels like running after him, grabbing him by the shoulder and punching him right in the face for not helping Ben, for not giving him some answers, for not acting like he cares but that would mean dropping Ben’s hand. It’s still warm and he doesn’t want to think about what would happen if Caleb got back to him and it wasn’t.

Caleb makes camp next to Ben. He sits in a chair next to Ben’s bed with both feet on the ground with one hand pushed through his hair and the other curled tightly around Ben’s hand. Ben’s pulse thrums steady against Caleb’s fingers. 

He falls asleep like that and wakes up with his forehead pressed against the mattress by Ben’s hip and a serious pain in his neck. 

A nurse comes in and drops off a tray of food. It sits untouched for two hours before Caleb figures out it’s for him, not Ben. The meat is cold, the bread is stale, and the apple is mealy but he eats it all anyways. 

He’s sure to thank her when she comes back a few hours later to collect the try and drop off a mug of hot coffee. She gives him a tired smile and pats his hand, the one that’s lying on top of Ben’s.

“It’s no bother, dear. Anything else I can get for you?”

Caleb looks back to Ben and can’t stop himself from reaching out and tucking a stray piece of hair behind his ear. 

He sighs, “No, I’m afraid not.”

Her smile changes from tired to sympathetic. “I’ll be back to check on you in a few hours. If you need anything before that come find me.”

\-----------------------------------------------

“I need you to come with me,” Caleb flips the book closed and Ben sits back and rubs a hand across his face. “You need to have some fun for once in your life.”

“I have plenty of fun,” He maintains eye contact as he open the book again. “I have classes in the morning.” 

“I came all this way to see you and all you want to do is sit in your room and read.”

“I’m studying. You’re not even here to see me. “You’re here to see…what’s her name again? 

“Careful there Tallboy, you’re starting to sound a little jealous.”

Ben rolls his eyes.

“Do you ever go out, Ben?”

“Yes,” He thinks of drinking too much and broken windows, walking up with a headache and stores that he wants to tell Caleb but always leaves out of the letters that he writes. “I do when it’s appropriate and I have time. Now is not the right time.”

“Do you go out with…what is his name again?” He snaps his fingers. “Nathan. Do you go out with Nathan? Your new best friend.”

“Now who’s jealous?”

“Well, do you?”

“You can’t be serious.”

Caleb blinks at him.

“He’s not my new best friend.”

“You go out with him, don’t you? You see him all the time. I’m here for one night after not seeing you for how long and I can’t get you to leave your room. You know, I expected this to happen at some point. I knew you’d get here and meet new people; smart, brilliant, interesting people.”

“Caleb.”

“I knew it was going to happen but I guess I thought it would happen more gradually so I would have more time to prepare.”

“Caleb.”

“It’s happening all at once and I don’t know if I know what to do with myself.”

“Caleb, I’m not replacing you.”

“Aren’t you?”

Caleb’s half way to the door when he feels Ben’s fingers close around his wrist. He didn’t even hear the chair scrape or his footsteps across the floor. 

“You’re my best friend.”

“So.”

“So? So you know everything about me. I know everything about you. You’ve been with me since the beginning. Do you honestly think I could replace all that? Why would I want to? I…you….you’re.”

Ben falters and stops and Caleb stares because this is something. It’s something like a confession. Something like an explanation for all the quiet stares, soft smiles, lingering touches, and blushes that color their cheeks when they’re caught by the other. 

“You’re my best friend,” Ben says, finally, both palms up in surrender because maybe this is too much all at once. He can’t blame Ben for taking a step back when he won’t budge an inch forward. “I’m sorry that you ever thought that you could ever be anything less than that.”

“I don’t want to feel like I’m holding you back.” 

“How could you think that? You can’t hold me back. You’re home.”

Ben looks sufficiently embarrassed with pink tinged cheeks and his lower lip pulled between his front teeth as he looks up at Caleb. 

“Oh,” Caleb scuffs his boot against the ground and jams his hands even further into his pockets to stop himself from reaching out and feeling the heat on Ben’s face with his fingertips and dragging his lip loose by his thumb then immediately replacing it with his own lips. “I feel the same,” He says instead of _‘you’re all I’ve ever known, you’re all I want, I wish I could tell you that, I wish you could tell me that.’_

Ben follows Caleb out the door and they spend the night drinking and talking and reminiscing on childhood memories that they had both forgotten. It’s almost daybreak when they finally stumble back to Ben’s room leaning heavily on each other and fall into bed, side by side. 

Caleb throws up three times. Ben laughs at him. 

When Caleb leaves in the morning Ben hugs him and doesn’t let go until he’s sure Caleb knows he’s not ever going to really let go. 

Caleb comes back to visit a lot over the next few years and Ben is always ready to follow him out the door. Nathan comes along when he can and even though Ben was worried about how they would do together it goes surprisingly well. Two drinks in Caleb is telling Nathan every embarrassing thing Ben has ever done until Ben’s red in the face and Nathan falls out of his chair because he’s laughing so hard. 

When Caleb leaves that time Ben tells him that’s he’s the one that’s worried about being replaced. 

Three years later Ben comes home and starts teaching in the same schoolhouse they were each taught in. 

A year after that Nathan goes to New York and no one ever sees him again. 

\------------------------------------------------------

On the third day Washington comes by. He looks at Ben, then Caleb, then at Caleb’s hand draped over Ben’s, then back to Caleb. He turns to Billy and nods for him to wait outside. 

Caleb springs up to his feet. His fingertips still graze against the back of Ben’s hand. He certainly respects the general but he’s not about to let go of Ben.

“As you were, Lieutenant,” He nods towards Ben. “How is he?”

Caleb eases back into the chair. His knuckles bump against Ben’s. “The same as he’s always been. I don’t think the doctor thinks he’s going to wake up. He hasn’t said that but I get the feeling. His mind seems to be on other things when he’s in here.”

Washington nods slowly and Caleb wishes he would leave. 

“And what do you think?”

“I think he has to,” He says. “I can’t…I can’t…” He shakes his head and takes a shaky breath as he feels tears beginning to sting his eyes. He’s been watching over Ben for three days and his body picks this moment to start to show how much pain he’s in. “He’s not eating, he’s not responding, and I can’t sit here and watch him die so he has to wake up. He has to be okay,” He swipes his free hand across his eyes. “I’m sorry, Sir.”

“Please,” Washington hands Caleb a handkerchief. “You have nothing to apologize for. I understand that the two of you are very close. I’ve heard the way Benjamin talks about you. If the roles were reversed I’m sure he’d be reacting the same way. He’s strong. I’m sure he’ll pull through.”

“I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t.”

Washington steps up to the side of the bed and doesn’t take his eyes off Ben as he puts his hand on Caleb’s shoulder. “Keep your faith in him Caleb, that’s all you can do.”

\--------------------------------------------------------

“I need you to get some sleep.” 

Ben looks up from where he’s sitting at his desk with his boot in one hand and a rag in the other.

“You said you needed me to shine my shoes.”

He did say that. Hours ago he strolled up to Ben, looked down at his boots that were scuffed and covered with soot, clucked his tongue and shook his head and said “What would General Washington say if he saw the condition of those?”

Ben had looked down and scuffed his feet against the snow and ice. “There’s three feet of snow on the ground. Washington doesn’t care what they look like.”

“If you want to risk it, it’s up to you,” Caleb shrugged as he started to walk away. “If I were you I’d shine them up.”

Now Caleb takes the boots and pushes Ben towards his cot, “Bed. That’s an order.”

“You can’t order me, I outrank you. This is mutiny.”

“Court martial me.”

“I’m afraid the noose wouldn’t fit over your big, fat, head.”

“Firing squad.”

“Too messy.”

“Stoning.”

“That’s a slow death. I’m not a monster.”

“Then you’ve got no choice but to listen to me. I won’t tell anyone you bowed to a subordinate. Not get in bed.”

Caleb pushes and Ben goes easily enough and tugs his hair from his braid, complaining when his fingers get stuck in a tangle before he flops face down onto the cot. 

“You’re a disaster,” Caleb murmurs.

Ben whines and stretches out so his feet dangle off the end and makes no other sound to defend himself, a true sign of his exhaustion. 

“When was the last time you slept?”

“When was the last time you slept?” Ben argues but his voice is a mumble against the sorry excuse for an army issue pillow.

“I slept last night along with everyone else in camp except for you. Now, I know I’m not as important as the great Major Benjamin Tallmadge-.”

“You’re just as important. You’re more important,” Ben says, finding his voice finally to defend Caleb. “Without you there’s no courier. No courier, no ring.”

“You’d find another courier.”

“Not one I trust.”

“Guess you’re lucky to have me then.”

“I really am.”

Caleb looks up and catches Ben’s eye and a few long seconds pass before Ben’s eyes slide shut and his breath evens out. 

It takes Caleb twice as long for him to regulate his breathing.

In the morning Ben wakes up to newly shined shoes. 

\------------------------------------------------------

“I need you to be okay. I need you to pull through this. I need you to win this war with you. I can’t do it on my own. I’ve never been without you. I don’t know if I can start now. I can’t. I know I can’t. I just…I’d be so lost and I have so many things I want to tell you that I should’ve been telling you this whole time. This can’t be it.”

It’s been five days and Caleb is dying. He’s been talking to Ben nonstop. He’s exhausted childhood memories, secrets Abe made him swear he’d never tell anyone, every bible story that he knows well enough to recite from memory, and every tale he has from all of his whaling expeditions. All that’s left is the truth and it kills him that Ben’s not really here to hear it. 

He folds his arms on the bed and drops his forehead onto them. Tears fall onto his skin, rolling down onto the sheets. 

“I need you,” He whispers against the back of Ben’s hand. “I need you, please.” 

There’s pressure on his hand suddenly and he sits up straight with a ragged gasp. He thinks he can see Ben’s eyelids fluttering through his tears and by the time he’s brought his hand up to swipe at his eyes Ben is definitely squeezing his hand. 

His eyes snap open and Caleb makes a noise somewhere between a sob and a laugh. 

Ben blinks a few times at the roof of the tent before he looks over and focuses on Caleb, a weak smile on his face.

“Hey.” 

“Ben,” Caleb can’t believe it. Ben’s face is still a little dirty, his hair is a mess, and he has five days worth of facial hair growing but now that he’s awake and blinking and bleary eyed he’s easily the most beautiful thing Caleb has ever seen. “I have to go get the doctor.”

“Wait,” Ben’s hand shoots out shockingly fast. His voice is rough and scratchy and Caleb helps his take a sip out of his glass of water that he kept when the nurse came by to pick up what was left of his lunch. “What happened?”

“You don’t remember?”

Ben sighs and tries to sit up, winces, then looks up at Caleb with mild confusion, as he rubs his hand across his jaw. “I fell off my horse?”

“Yes, but before that you were shot.”

“Shot?”

“Yeah,” Caleb touches the bottom of the bandage. Most of his hand is still on Ben’s skin. “Right there.”

“Hmmm. Now I match,” He laughs a little and Caleb grinds his teeth together. He wants to lean over and put his thumb directly on the dark red patch on the bandage a press down, hard. Maybe then he’d understand the pain that he’s been going through.

“You’ve been out for five days.”

Ben stops laughing and his smile slips and even though that’s the point Caleb is trying to make he still misses it. It’s been too long since he’s seen it. It’s been five days plus three years since the start of the war. 

“What?”

“You got shot,” Caleb snaps. “You fell off your damn horse and hit your head.”

Ben reaches for the back of his head and frowns when he pulls his hand away. “Ow.”

“I couldn’t wake you up. The doctor couldn’t wake you up. No one was sure you were going to wake up.”

“Caleb,” Ben puts his hand on Caleb’s arm but he pushes it off and stands. 

“I thought I was going to watch you die in this pathetic bed in this disgusting tent surrounded by even more pathetic beds and disgusting tents. It wouldn’t have been quick either. No mercy. I’d have to watch you waste away here until there was nothing left. Or, they’d decide that they needed me in some other god awful field somewhere, find someone new to give me orders, take me away from here and you’d go all alone and they’d toss you in a grave somewhere alongside other men that are too young for this- boys, they’re all boys, you’re basically a boy, and no one knows their names and no one will know what happened to them or you or where they are and I honestly don’t know which scenario is worse.”

“Caleb,” Ben sits up and swings his legs off the side of the cot and looks up, startled, when Caleb immediately drops down to kneel between Ben’s knees with his hands on Ben’s thighs. 

“Do you know what I would do if I lost you? I’d give up. I’d take off. What’s the point in fighting when I’ve got nothing to fight for? I don’t want to see the end of this war if you’re not beside me. You’re not supposed to be here. This is not supposed to happen to you.”

“It’s a war, people get shot.”

“You’re not supposed to be in a war. Why couldn’t you stay home? Be a teacher, marry a nice girl.”

“You know I couldn’t have done that.”

“Abe did it.”

“Abe is spying for us. He’s in this war just like we are.”

“You had to talk him into that. Why did you have to do that?”

“Caleb.”

“Why couldn’t you just….just.”

“What? Caleb,” Ben’s voice is so soft and Caleb makes a choked, pained sound before he’s moving forward into Ben’s space. “What did you want to tell me? Tell me.”

Caleb’s out of words.

He kisses him instead. 

It takes no time at all for Ben to lightly hold the side of his neck with his thumb pushing against the hinge of Caleb’s jaw to help guide him and get the angle right. 

This is heaven. This is everything Caleb has wanted for as long as he can remember. This is Ben coming back from the brink of death. This is Ben coming back to him. 

Caleb, regrettably, slows the kiss after several minutes but keeps Ben close, forehead to forehead. 

“I have to get the doctor,” Caleb says at the same time Ben says “I’m in love with you.”

“I,” Caleb slips down so his head is resting against Ben’s uninjured shoulder and his arms wrap around his middle. 

“You were here the whole time, weren’t you? You never left my side?” He rubs his hand against Caleb’s back. 

“I couldn’t.” 

“You’re in love with me too.”

“I wanted to tell you myself.”

Ben nudges Caleb up so he can look him in the eyes. “You still can.”

“I’m in love with you. I always have been, always will be. I don’t know why I thought it would be so hard to say. I should’ve said it before.”

“You said it. That’s what matters.”

He pulls Caleb up to him and they kiss until Ben’s leaning back and tugging Caleb with him. 

Caleb hums and pulls away. “I have to get the doctor.”

“It’s been five days.”

“You don’t have to remind me.”

Ben frowns and soothes the lines around the corner of Caleb’s mouth with his thumb. “I’m sorry about that. But,” He kisses him again. “It’s been five days," Another kiss. "Twenty more minutes won’t hurt. I can make it up to you," One more kiss, this one deeper and stronger, this one leaves them both a little breathless when Ben eases back. This one hints that Ben has more in store for them. "At least I can start."


End file.
